Why Self-Discipline Isn’t Always the Answer

I am not a big fan of self-discipline.

That does not mean I do not use it. I have, many times. Most of us have. There are moments in life when we have to push through, keep going, do the thing we said we would do, even when we do not particularly feel like it.

But I am not convinced self-discipline is the best long-term strategy for getting things done.

Years ago, I was in a group coaching session and someone said:

“I want to have the discipline to do the things I want to do.”

The facilitator asked him a brilliant question:

“Why would you need discipline to do the things you want to do, if you want to do them?”

That question got me thinking.

Because often, when we say we need more discipline, we may actually need something else.

• We may need a clearer sense of why something matters.
  We may need the behaviour to feel more connected to who we are.
  We may need to make the first step easier.
  We may need to stop chasing something we think we should want.
  We may need to design better conditions around the behaviour.

Take something unpleasant but meaningful.

If you have children, nieces, nephews, godchildren or have ever cared for a very small person, think about changing a nappy.

It is not exactly fun. It can be unpleasant. It can smell terrible. Nobody is usually adding it to their list of joyful life experiences.

But how much discipline does it really take?

Most of the time, you just do it.

Not because it is enjoyable, but because it matters. You do it because it matters. Because it's important, and because it fits your identity. Most of the time you don’t need ‘discipline’. You get on with it.

That is very different from forcing yourself through something that feels disconnected from your values, identity or real priorities.

Discipline has its place. Sometimes we do need to do uncomfortable things. Sometimes progress involves effort, repetition and moments where we would rather not bother. But if discipline is the only thing holding a behaviour together, it may be worth pausing.

• Is the goal actually meaningful to you?

• Does it fit with the person you are trying to become?

• Have you made the behaviour easy enough to begin?

• Does your environment support it or work against it?

• Are you choosing this freely, or trying to live up to somebody else’s version of success?

When we skip those questions, we often end up relying on willpower when we could be designing better conditions.

Self-discipline can get us started, but it is rarely the whole answer. For many of us, lasting change comes from something deeper: meaning, identity, autonomy, environment and a clear reason to keep going.

So, if you are stuck with something, perhaps the question is not simply:

“How do I become more disciplined?”

Perhaps the better question is:

“What would make this worth showing up for?”